Reflections on Pain
by Secrets-and-Smiles
Summary: Ianto Jones had often wondered what it would feel like to be shot, he could never have imagined this... Please be aware that swearing is used in this story.
1. Chapter 1 of 4

Author's Note: Torchwood is owned by the BBC. Spoilers for Series One.

Ianto had wondered before how it would feel to be shot, in fact the thought had crossed his mind on more than one occasion.

The first time had been when he had joined Torchwood One. Weeks of personality tests, mental exams, interviews and endurance tests had led Ianto to being assigned to the Archives. On his first day Ianto had been startled when his supervisor had pressed a gun into his hand, along with his ID card and told him that basic training was about to begin.

"I won't need this will I?" Ianto had asked. "I'm not a field operative."

Frank had just smiled and replied, "you never know what you'll come up against in this job kid."

Until that moment Ianto had never thought about how powerful a gun is and was surprised at the tremors from the recoil that travelled down his arm, as he took his first shot. He was mildly disturbed to note that no matter how long he held the weapon, the metal remained cold.

Only then did Ianto think about how it would feel to be shot and even then he couldn't really imagine it.

-TW-

The second time Ianto had considered being shot was during the Battle of Canary Wharf. He saw Daleks exterminate innocent people with a powerful beam and Cybermen electrocute their victims using only their hands. He could smell the singing of clothes and blistering of skin as each victim fell and felt sick to his stomach. Only the thought of Lisa prevented him from running.

-TW-

The third time Ianto thought about being shot came quickly after the second. As he pulled Lisa's heavy, broken body from the wreckage of their workplace, he was constantly looking around. After seeing what the UNIT soldiers had done to another partially converted victim he knew that he wouldn't be getting any help. So instead he looked out for soldiers that would stop him as he removed what they saw as an alien threat from the burning building. As Ianto pulled the love of his life with all his strength and looked down at her tear streaked face, her mouth closed tightly and twisted in agony, he knew that he would take a bullet for her.

-TW-

Ianto had truly believed that he would be executed when the team had found Lisa. As Jack pressed the gun against the back of his head in the Tourism Office and demanded that he executed her, Ianto prepared himself for death.

Even after it was all over and he was sobbing over the bodies of Lisa and Annie, Ianto still expected Jack to follow through on his threat and execute him. He couldn't understand why Jack had spared him but soon realised that his punishment was surviving, because surely living with the grief and guilt was more painful than being shot.

-TW-

When Ianto had shot Owen, trying to stop him from opening the Rift, he hadn't considered how it would hurt the medic. He was just focused on saving the world because, although he wanted Toshiko and Jack back, he knew that nothing good could come from opening the Rift.

Watching Owen struggle to tend to his wound, Ianto couldn't imagine how it felt to have a bullet tear through your flesh.

After Jack had left them to travel with the Doctor and the team had to work harder than ever to control the volatile Rift; Ianto watched as Owen struggled for weeks with the stiffness and pain in his shoulder. The younger man tried to picture the damage he had inflicted on his teammate and the scar that he had left behind, a constant reminder of the madness that Bilis Manger had caused.

-TW-

Now, months later and lying slumped in an alleyway, Ianto could truly understand the sheer agony that came from being shot. The bite of pain as the bullet travelled through his skin, splintering bone and burning through muscle. Shaky hands clamped down on the wound and tried to stem the flow of still warm blood leaking through his clothes but it still spilt over his fingers. Ianto's mouth slammed shut and he grit his teeth as a wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm him and he fought to remain conscious as pain exploded in waves over his body.

Ianto began to panic and fear settled like an oppressive weight on his chest. He was alone, the team scattered around and nobody knew that the blowfish was armed. For the moment nobody would come looking for him and he couldn't move his hands to activate his comm. link. He couldn't even warn his teammates, let alone call for help.

Ianto tried to huff a laugh but it was too much effort. He always knew that he would die working for Torchwood but he had always hoped it would be a glorious death, saving the world, stopping an invasion, having a mind blowing orgasm courtesy of Jack when he was in his late seventies...

Tears began to form in Ianto's eyes as he thought of his lover. Would Jack remember him? Mourn him? How long would it take for another to take his place in Jack's bed, days? Weeks? Months?

A sudden wave of anger momentarily strengthened Ianto and he called gruffly, "help! Help me please!"

No answering call came, no heavy footsteps indicated that Jack was running towards him and Ianto was angry at the injustice of it all. He was supposed to save the world and instead his death certificate was going to show that he died in a grubby alleyway in _Splott_ of all places, chasing after a coked up blowfish with a penchant for stealing expensive cars.

A whimper broke through his lips and Ianto's vision began to dull. It became harder to hold onto his thoughts and even though he knew that he shouldn't, Ianto closed his eyes as he felt the need to sleep. He couldn't remember why he needed to stay awake; his body felt too heavy, too racked in pain and he finally slipped into the peaceful embrace of unconsciousness.

He didn't even register the crackle of his comm. and Jack's voice saying urgently, "_Ianto?"_


	2. Chapter 2 of 4

**Author's Note: **Thank you for all of your kind reviews. Torchwood is owned by the BBC. This chapter has slight spoilers for series one of Torchwood and Doctor Who. Also contains some strong swearing from a certain acerbic doctor!

Chapter Two

Jack's senses were on edge as he heard a rustling noise around the next corner. He flattened himself against the wall and cocked his Webley, before turning around with his gun raised.

"Don't move or I'll shoot!" he warned.

Jack frowned as he saw nothing but rubbish and edged cautiously down the dark alleyway, wishing that he had a torch with him. He gripped his gun tightly and aimed at a pile of cardboard boxes as he heard something move again.

"Come out with your hands up!" he growled, tired of the blowfish's games.

He almost jumped out of his skin as a skinny black cat shot out of the rubbish and across the alleyway. Jack couldn't help but chuckle to himself, for once glad that he was alone, the team would never let him forget it if they had seen him threaten to shoot a cat.

Jack's grin slipped off of his face, his mirth quickly leaving him, as he heard an odd sound echo around.

"_What was that?"_ Gwen's voice came through the comm.

"_What was what?"_ Owen said.

"_It sounded like a..."_ began Toshiko.

"Gun shot" whispered Jack. He quickly pressed his comm. and called urgently for the one member of the team that hadn't spoken. "Ianto?"

The whole team froze, waiting for their youngest colleague to answer and fear clawed at Jack's gut as no answer came.

"Ianto?" Jack tried again, but all he received was static.

"_Shit_" said Owen.

"Tosh track Ianto's comm. unit where is he?" Jack demanded, running out of the dead end that he was currently in.

Tosh fumbled with her scanner and agonising seconds passed before she said, "_you're the closest to him Jack but his signal isn't moving!"_

Jack ran faster, following Tosh's directions. His muscles screamed as he pushed his body beyond its limit and he did not even register the beginnings of a stitch in his side.

"_I'm sending Ianto's co-ordinates to your PDAs"_ Toshiko said to Owen and Gwen.

"Hurry Owen" Jack growled.

"_I'm coming Jack"_ Owen said grimly.

"_I'm nearest the SUV"_ Gwen said. "_I'll drive it around."_

"Be careful" Jack warned the rest of his team, his breath coming in short, sharp pants. "The blowfish is probably armed."

Nobody answered, not wanting to waste their breath as they ran and fearing what this meant for Ianto.

Jack almost ran past the alleyway that Ianto was lying in, he skidded to a stop and dropped down to his knees, resisting the urge to throw up as he took in Ianto's prone body. A nearby street lamp lit Ianto's features enough so that Jack could see that his eyes were closed and his skin impossibly pale. Moments later Jack realised a sticky wetness to his knees and realised in horror that he was kneeling in a pool of Ianto's blood.

"Owen!" yelled Jack.

Owen was so close that he didn't need the comm. to hear Jack and yelled back "I'm coming!"

Jack pressed his fingers against Ianto's neck and almost cried with relief as he felt a barely-there pulse, fluttering against his fingertips. He quickly shrugged off his coat and ripped off his shirt, balling it up and pressing it down on Ianto's stomach in order to try and stop the blood flow.

A pained gasp made hope bloom in Jack's heart and he quickly looked up to see Ianto's eyes open partially.

"Yan?" Jack said. "Can you hear me?"

Ianto's eyelids fluttered and he tried to speak but soon fell unconscious again.

"Yan? Stay awake" Jack pleaded. He looked over his shoulder and saw that Owen had finally reached them. "He's alive, bullet wound to the stomach. He regained consciousness for a couple of seconds and he's lost a lot of blood."

Owen dropped down next to Jack, ignoring the warm wetness to the alleyway floor and immediately began his own assessment.

"Keep your shirt on the wound Jack."

Owen quickly checked Ianto's airway and pulse, frowning as he realised how weak it felt. He then pulled a small torch on his keychain and checked the rest of Ianto's body for further injuries.

"Only one bullet" he muttered to himself, before checking Ianto's pupils. "Shit" he muttered. "Where's Cooper and the SUV?"

"_I'm coming Owen"_ Gwen reported. "_ETA three minutes."_

"Hurry up" Owen practically growled.

A small gasp signalled to the men that Toshiko had arrived and Jack turned slightly to see that she was stood still, her hands to her mouth and her eyes impossibly wide.

"Is he...?" she asked.

"He's alive" Jack said hoarsely. "Wave Gwen down and bring Owen's med kit."

Toshiko nodded, grateful for something to do and ran to the mouth of the alleyway, looking out into the darkness for the SUV.

Jack's attention was quickly drawn back to the medic when Owen swore, "shit it's not a through and through, he needs surgery."

Jack couldn't believe what was happening, "you can do it right?" he asked. "He's going to survive."

Owen's eyes met Jack's and he said honestly, "I don't know. On the plus side having only an entry wound means less blood loss but I don't know if the bullet is lodged in a fucking organ or something."

"But you can fix that" Jack insisted.

Owen bit his lip, "maybe. He could have spinal injuries Jack, I won't know until I find the bullet."

Jack's face paled but Owen had no time to worry about him.

A squeal of brakes announced Gwen's arrival. "She's here!" Toshiko yelled.

"Tosh get me my med kit, we need to stop this bleeding long enough to get him to the Hub!" called Owen. "I need a stretcher too!"

Toshiko ran and thrust the med kit into Owen's hands, before stepping back and biting a fingernail nervously.

"Shall I call an ambulance?" Gwen asked, running up to them a clutching a stretcher awkwardly. She fought the urge to throw up as she saw Ianto's injuries and set the stretcher down.

"Same distance to the Hub as the hospital" Owen grunted, injecting Ianto before ripping open packets of gauze and bandages. "I can perform the surgery but I need you to clear the roads and get us there quick."

"On it" Toshiko said, her voice surprisingly steady. She pulled out her PDA to open up a traffic control programme and send an alert to the local police.

"Jack" Owen said, trying to get access to Ianto's injuries.

But Jack didn't move, he just continued to press down hard on Ianto's still bleeding wound and stare at his lover. The words _spinal injuries_ echoing in his mind.

Owen realised that Jack was going into shock and yelled, "Jack move!" He practically barged the Captain out of the way, "he'll bleed out if you don't let me work!"

The next few minutes seemed to pass in a blur for Jack as he watched Owen stabilise Ianto enough for travel. Minutes later he was sat in the back of the SUV with Ianto's head on his lap. Gwen was driving, cursing as drivers got in their way and Toshiko was sat cross legged in the front, her seat pulled forward so that Owen could move easily in the back.

"Tosh" said Gwen tersely, trying not to look in the rear view mirror.

"They're all green Gwen" Toshiko snapped, as they sped through another set off traffic lights.

Tensions were running high as they got closer to the Hub but everything went to hell when Owen said loudly, "fuck!"

"What is it?" Gwen yelled, turning a corner sharply.

Owen banged his head on the back of Toshiko's seat and snapped, "keep your eyes on the fucking road!"

"Owen!" snapped Jack.

"Faster Gwen!" Owen yelled. "I'm losing him."

Owen would never forget the wild look in Jack's eyes as they briefly made contact with his own.

"Owen" Jack growled. "Save him!"

"I'm trying!" Owen shouted. "He's weak; he's lost a lot of blood."

Jack looked down at Ianto's head in his lap and tears pricked at his eyes. He stroked Ianto's hair softly and said quietly, "I can't lose him, not yet. We haven't had enough time."

Owen's hands stilled for less than a second at Jack's words until, with growing horror, he realised that Ianto had stopped breathing.

"Stop the car!" he roared.

Without questioning him, Gwen slammed on the breaks and the SUV skidded to a stop in the middle of the road.

Owen began chest compressions, ordering Jack to move out from underneath Ianto. "Toshiko get the defibrillator!"

Toshiko flew out of the car and opened the boot.

"No, no, no, no" Jack muttered. "Come on Yan!" he begged desperately.

Suddenly his mind filled with memories of an unconscious Ianto lying in a pool of water, after Lisa had thrown him across the Hub. Ianto hadn't been breathing...

"Move!" Jack ordered Owen and pushed the medic back down into the foot well.

"Jack!" cried Gwen.

"What are you doing?" demanded Owen, scrambling back up.

Jack ignored them all and bent down awkwardly. "Wake up Yan" he whispered and pressed his lips against his lover's.

For a moment Jack felt nothing but he refused to give up. He cleared his mind and focused on that part inside himself, the part that kept hauling him over broken glass over and over again, ripping him from the darkness of death and throwing him into life.

After what felt like eons had passed, Jack felt a spark and words that didn't make sense flashed through his mind.

_Bad Wolf._

"_I bring life."_

Owen and Gwen stared at each other speechlessly as the hairs on the back of their necks stood up. Toshiko ran around with the defibrillator machine in her hands but stopped still in shock as she saw a gentle yellow glow emanate from the back of the SUV.

Owen grasped almost blindly at Ianto's hand that was hanging down and pressed his fingers against the younger man's wrist.

Jack broke away from Ianto's lips and gasped for air and Owen felt something that he couldn't believe.

A pulse.


	3. Chapter 3 of 4

Author Note: Hello and Happy New Year! I am so sorry that it has been a while since I have updated any of my stories :s Life has been a little hectic and I've also had a bit of writer's block which hasn't helped! To be honest this is the sixth version of this chapter and I am still not 100% happy with it but I thought that if I post what I have, it may help me get through this writer's block and it is better than leaving an unfinished story! I'll get cracking on the last chapter now... Torchwood is owned by the BBC and Starz.

Chapter Three

Jack had thought about Ianto dying many times and knew from the beginning of their relationship that he would lose his lover far too soon. Falling for a man that worked for Torchwood always meant that he would never see the his lover grow old but still, he had hoped for more time than this...

-TW-

The first time that Jack had thought about Ianto dying had been after he had looked _Jones, Ianto Jones_ up on the database, more than intrigued by the handsome stranger that knew what a Weevil was. He quickly realised that Ianto wasn't just a Welshman that had heard a rumour or two about the not-so-secret Torchwood but a fully fledged agent of the organisation.

"Poor sod" Jack muttered, as he read that Ianto had been at work the day of the battle of Canary Wharf.

He wondered how Ianto had escaped from not only the Cybermen but the Daleks too. Hundreds had died that day, how had a Junior Archivist of all people survived? Jack idly wondered if Ianto had hidden or ran away but after seeing him attack a Weevil with nothing but a branch, he rather suspected that Ianto had fought his way out of that bloodbath.

-TW-

The second time Jack thought about Ianto dying came by fleetingly when he first saw Myfanwy. He couldn't believe that a real dinosaur, something even older than him, was flapping about in a warehouse in twenty first century Cardiff. Jack wondered if as an Archivist, Ianto would have received basic field training at Torchwood One and hoped that they wouldn't get eaten whilst trying to sedate the ancient beast. Although he would come back, Jack didn't fancy being partially digested and he especially didn't want to clean up the bloody remains of Ianto Jones.

What felt like moments later, after a half thought plan and a quick flight in the sky; Jack was hurtling towards the ground, fearing that he was going to end up as dinosaur food after all. It took his brain a few seconds to work out what was happening as Ianto attempted to soften his landing and they hit the concrete floor together with a heavy thump.

After they had rolled to safety, out of the way of the unconscious creature as she crashed to the ground, Jack could feel Ianto breathing heavily against him and a surge of desire shuddered through his body. At the time he recognised that the attraction between them was mutual, but Jack could never have predicted how important the feeling of his newest employee's heart beating wildly in his chest would become to him.

-TW-

The one time that Jack truly considered taking Ianto's life was when he discovered Lisa. It wasn't the fact that Ianto had lied to him, flirted with him and had even shared a few illicit kisses with him. It was the fact that Ianto had endangered the world for his own insignificant feelings.

So what, that he loved this woman? Jack had loved plenty of people in the past and had lost them all. The kid was out of his mind if he thought that Lisa could be rescued, she had died at Canary Wharf. All Ianto was doing now was degrading her memory by letting this machine live and endangering the team and the rest of the planet.

But Jack's feelings had fluctuated wildly that tragic night and his anger morphed into fear when he took in the sight of Ianto's body still lying face down in the water, so long after the Cyberwoman had thrown him. He had quickly turned Ianto over; barely registering how little the younger man weighed and tapped his face, trying to make him regain consciousness. Jack didn't even think as mere seconds later he kissed Ianto, whether he was passing some of his own energy or air to the injured man he didn't know but he did feel a moment of relief it worked and Ianto woke up.

After both Lisa's and Annie's bodies had been cremated, the Cyber-unit had been dismantled and the Hub was put to rights; Jack took a shocked, traumatised and grieving Ianto home and put him on suicide watch. There was no way that he was going to allow Ianto to die now, not before he could atone for what he had done.

-TW-

Mere weeks later, Jack feared for all of his team's lives as he realised with horror that it wasn't aliens that they were dealing with in the countryside, but cannibals. The evil depths of humanity disgusted him and he took his rage out on the murderers, crashing through the village hall and shooting every one of them.

Jack felt like vomiting when days later, after the team had handed in their reports, he realised how close Ianto had been to being slaughtered. He looked down from his office and watched as Ianto gingerly walked around the Hub, a large egg sized lump still on his forehead and bruises covering his face. Owen's report revealed to Jack that hidden underneath Ianto's suit were bruises, fractured ribs and even _bite marks_. It was at that moment that Jack began to realise how much he was coming to care for the team's Archivist and vowed that he would try to keep Ianto safe from harm.

-TW-

The next time that Jack had feared for Ianto's life, was when he actually died.

Trapped in manacles aboard the Valiant during the Year That Never Was, Jack had never felt so helpless and could only hope that Alice, Stephen and his team had all survived. But he knew that he was being unrealistic, within minutes of the Master's reign a tenth of the world's population had been wiped out and Harold Saxon knew all about Torchwood.

During that year the Master had often gloated to Jack about how he had left the Torchwood team to freeze to death in the Himalayas. Jack couldn't bear the thought of his friends huddled together in the cold, feeling lost and scared before dying and finding only darkness.

Thankfully, time had rewound and Jack had never had to return to an empty Hub or to the horror of knowing that his loved ones were buried in mass graves, unmarked and lost forever.

-TW-

Now, months later, Jack was in the Hub and fearing for Ianto's life again.

Jack had not taken the news well when Owen had asked him to leave the medical bay whilst Ianto underwent surgery. He felt like he should be there in case anything went wrong but after a few softly spoken words from Gwen, Jack conceded that Owen needed the space and moved to the observation level. His eyes never left Ianto's unconscious body and his heart clenched as he took in the pale colour of his lover's skin, the oxygen mask that dominated his face and the various tubes and wires that covered him.

An eternity seemed to pass before Owen removed his latex gloves with a snap and Jack practically ran down the stairs to take his place by Ianto's side again. Jack gripped Ianto's hand tightly and pressed his fingers against the young man's wrist, the pit of nausea in his stomach lessening as he felt a steady pulse.

"Owen?" he said hoarsely.

Owen smiled wearily and said, "he's going to be alright Jack."

Jack swallowed heavily and blinked rapidly to stop his tears of relief. "So he doesn't... there isn't... his spine?"

Owen looked away, a little uncomfortable at seeing the Captain close to tears, he had never been good at dealing with the relatives of patients when he had worked in hospitals. He fiddled with Ianto's IV line, in the pretence of checking it and said honestly, "I don't know how Jack but he's fine. There's no damage to him at all."

Jack couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his features, "brilliant."

"He's damn lucky that bullet didn't puncture an organ or embed itself in his spine" continued Owen. "As it is he nearly bled out."

"But he's fine now" Jack said firmly. "He'll wake up soon?"

Owen shrugged, "just a matter of time now. He needs to rest Jack, sleep off the surgery. I'll need to observe him for a while yet, that alleyway wasn't exactly clean, he can still pick up an infection."

"Okay" Jack murmured, smoothing Ianto's hair from his forehead.

"Jack" began Owen.

"Leave it" Jack said firmly, already knowing what Owen was going to ask.

"Fine" Owen muttered. "Keep your secrets, but you did something to him Jack. As much as I'm glad that he's alive..." He ran his hand through his hair in bewilderment, "he should have bled out."

Jack ignored the medic and focused on Ianto but in all honestly he couldn't reply because he didn't know exactly what he had done; he'd acted on instinct and wasn't sure what the consequences of that would be. Had he saved Ianto's life or cursed him for eternity? He knew that this question would weigh heavily on him, as much so as the grief that would have consumed him, had Ianto died.

The clatter of heels on concrete saved Jack from having to answer as the worried faces of Gwen and Toshiko came into view.

"Is he going to be okay?" Toshiko asked quietly, fearing the worst for her closest friend.

"He's going to be fine" Owen replied. "You should have learnt by now Tosh, Tea Boy is made of sterner stuff."

Jack couldn't help the smile that tweaked at his lips as Toshiko and Gwen laughed and hugged each other tightly, trying to stop their tears of relief.

"Brilliant" said Gwen, wiping her eyes. "I'll call Rhys and let him know, he was worried."

"I'm going to get changed" Owen said gruffly, gesturing at his stained scrubs. The smile on Jack's face slipped as he saw _Ianto's_ blood on Owen's clothes and he shuddered as he thought how close Ianto had been to death.

As if she was reading his thoughts Toshiko said quietly, "I'll go back to monitoring the CCTV programmes Jack. We'll find the bastard that did this."

Jack nodded his appreciation, not allowing himself to think about exactly what he was going to do to the Blowfish that had hurt someone so important to him.


	4. Chapter 4 of 4

**Author's Note: **I am so sorry that this has taken so long to complete, I've fallen out of the habit of writing but am hoping to start posting regularly soon. This is dedicated to Lady Emma Wentworth who messaged me recently and encouraged me to complete this story - thank you again for your kind message! I found this difficult to complete but I hope that the ending is satisfactory for everybody that had reviewed and favourited this story. Torchwood is owned by the BBC.

Chapter Four

Several hours later and Jack was sat alone, still waiting for Ianto to regain consciousness. He had finally pushed the girls out of the Hub at around midnight; both had protested but a well timed yawn from Gwen had set Toshiko off yawning too and they had finally conceded to go home, on the basis that Jack contacted them as soon as Ianto woke up. Owen had wanted to stay and monitor his patient but the stress of the surgery had been draining and he had finally succumbed to sleep whilst resting for a moment on the communal sofa.

Jack looked at his watch and sighed heavily, the loud release of air cutting through the heavy silence that surrounded him bar the occasional shriek from Myfanwy and particularly loud snore from Owen. He shivered, the silence and darkness of the powered down Hub was reminding him of a morgue and he suddenly needed to say something, _anything_ to distract himself.

"I nearly lost you today" Jack murmured, taking one of Ianto's hands in his own and stroking the back of it softly.

"Nearly but didn't" Jack muttered to himself firmly. "You came so close..." Jack's breathing hitched and he had to bite his lip to stop the tears swimming in his eyes from over spilling.

Jack struggled to regain control of his emotions and his voice shook as he said, "and when I find that bastard Blowfish that did this to you..." He leant back in his chair, still holding onto Ianto's hand and shook his head before vowing, "...he won't know what hit him."

Silence reigned once more as Jack stewed in his emotions; anger, guilt and worry consumed him from the inside out and he was suddenly reminded of what Toshiko had told him all those months ago.

"_Rats" Toshiko whispered. "He's serving coffee and working all day feeling like rats are gnawing at his stomach Jack. How could we have dismissed his grief so quickly?" _

"That pendant was dangerous" Jack said, continuing his thoughts out loud. "But it gave me a kick up the backside. That night I went to your house and it was the first time that we properly talked."

Jack paused, lost in good memories. "I think that was what made us become friends and then after Suzie..."

Jack grinned wolfishly and stroked Ianto's forehead with his free hand, "well until that night I had no idea that you could be so kinky with a stopwatch."

The smile slid off from Jack's face and he stared at his and Ianto's joined hands pensively. "I don't know what to do Ianto, how can we even test what I've done to you without causing you pain? What if I have cursed you for eternity?" Jack bit his lip and whispered, "you'll hate me forever."

A pained groan stopped Jack's thoughts in their tracks and he gripped Ianto's hand tighter, "Yan?"

Ianto's eyeballs moved rapidly under his eyelids and they eventually opened for a moment before Ianto squeezed them shut again and groaned louder.

"Yan?" Jack said urgently. "Can you hear me?"

Ianto opened his eyes again and panicked as he registered the oxygen mask on his face, he raised his hand weakly and ineffectually tried to pull it off.

Jack stood up and gently stopped him, "shh Yan. You need to keep that on, I need you to take normal breaths okay?"

Jack looked up and yelled, "Owen! He's awake!"

A startled grunt signalled that Owen was awake and within a minute the doctor was down in the medical bay and checking Ianto's vitals.

Ianto again pulled at his mask and managed to get it off, "what happened?" he croaked.

Jack gently coaxed the mask back onto Ianto's face and held both of the young man's hands within his own. "You were shot, do you remember?"

Ianto's eyes widened and he nodded slowly.

"You'll be fine though Tea Boy" Owen said, taking over Jack's explanation. "_Somehow _..." Owen looked at Jack and then back down at Ianto, "the bullet managed to miss all of your organs and spine. You'll be sore for a while though and I'll be signing you off from the Archives for a few weeks and fieldwork for a few more on top. I'll check how you're healing up and we'll go from there. You'll have an impressive scar to show all the chicks though."

Ianto's mouth crooked slightly in amusement before his eyes began to droop again.

"Rest Yan" Jack said and kissed his forehead. "Just rest."

-TW-

The next time Ianto woke up he felt like he'd been hit by a truck.

A loud groan alerted Owen to the fact that his patient was awake and he immediately started fussing over Ianto. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

Ianto breathed heavily and pulled the oxygen mask off from his face, "like I've been shot."

Owen couldn't help but grin; if Ianto was being sarcastic it could only be a good sign. "Well your vital signs are looking good" he said, looking at the nearest screen. "Your surgery went well. Luckily... well the bullet obviously caused minimal damage by the looks of it."

Ianto was still too groggy to pick up on Owen's hesitation, "so we're all good" he murmured.

Owen looked down at Ianto, a frown creasing his forehead. "Yeah..." he said quietly. He shook his head slightly, "I still want to keep an eye on you for signs of infection but Ianto... you're one lucky guy."

Ianto smiled weakly, "thanks Owen... you saved my life."

Owen picked up his clipboard and looked at it, ignoring Ianto's gratitude. On one hand, he hated getting praise for doing his job and on the other hand, he wasn't even sure if he was the one who saved Ianto's life.

"Where's Jack?" Ianto asked.

Owen's frown deepened and he threw down his clipboard, "Toshiko found the blowfish that did this to you, it was the only thing that could drag Jack away from your side."

Ianto's eyebrows shot up as he realised what Owen was saying and wasn't sure how to feel. The blowfish deserved all he was getting for risking his life but Ianto also knew that Jack was capable of terrible acts and didn't want the man to go down the dark road of revenge.

Owen touched his ear and Ianto realised that somebody must be talking to him via the comm.

"He's awake" Owen said shortly. He then rolled his eyes and said, "Toshiko says to say hello."

Ianto gave a small smile and lifted his hand slightly, his arm feeling like a lead weight.

"Tea Boy says hello back, now did you find the blowfish?" Owen listened intently and then said goodbye to Toshiko.

"The blowfish?" Ianto asked when Owen began to pace up and down his small Autopsy Bay.

"Sushi" Owen replied quietly.

Ianto closed his eyes, not sure if he was pleased or not to know that the blowfish was dead and not really appreciating Owen's dark humour. He opened his eyes again and found Owen staring at him. "What is it?" he asked, knowing that there was something that the medic wasn't telling him.

Owen sighed heavily and said, "I'm sorry Ianto but I need to tell you something..."

-TW-

The siren alerted Ianto and Owen to the fact that the team had arrived and with a small nod towards the younger man, Owen left the Autopsy Bay.

Jack practically ran down the stairs, ignoring the still shocked and horrified expressions of his female teammates.

"Ianto" he breathed, surprised to see that his lover was sitting propped up.

"Jack" Ianto said quietly, looking away from his lover at the sight of the blood that covered his clothes.

Jack grabbed Ianto's hand and asked, "how are you feeling?"

Ianto met his lover's gaze and whispered, "like I could live forever."

Jack felt like he'd been winded by Ianto's words and closed his eyes tightly, "Owen told you?"

Ianto touched his lover's chin and waited for Jack to look at him again before saying simply, "yes."

Ianto then touched his lips against Jack's softly before pulling away and saying, "thank you for saving me."

Jack shook his head and tried to ignore the tears that started to trickle down his cheeks, "I nearly lost you."

"But you didn't" Ianto insisted urgently, "I'm here Jack."

Jack roughly wiped his cheeks and sighed heavily, "you're here now" he muttered. "But what if I've cursed you? You'll hate me."

"Do you hate the Doctor?" Ianto asked. "Or Rose?"

Jack shook his head but added, "I have though at certain points in my life... and I'll hate myself forever if I've cursed you."

Ianto looked at his lover's tearstained and tired face and didn't know what to think. He felt such a multitude of emotions, it was too much to take in; anger at Jack for possibly condemning him to a long and potentially lonely existence, fear of losing everything including his own humanity but also love, because Jack had only done what he did out of love.

It was exhausting just thinking about it and Ianto suspected that his feelings were just the tip of the iceberg and that comprehension of _forever_ hadn't truly set in.

"Only one way to find out" Ianto murmured.

Jack watched with wary eyes and was stunned as Ianto pulled a scalpel from underneath his blanket and ran it across his other hand.

"Ianto!" Jack shouted, grabbing some gauze from Owen's workstation and pressing it against the wound.

Ianto winced and breathed heavily, "I need to know!"

Jack's hand covered his own, pressing the gauze down and the two men stared at their hands joined together.

"I'm too afraid to move my hand" Jack whispered, his eyes not moving from where they were locked with Ianto's.

"Me too" Ianto said shakily.

Slowly Jack moved his hand, revealing that Ianto's fingers were clenched tightly over the gauze, which was stained a deep red. Slowly, Ianto unfurled his fingers and the gauze dropped limply onto his blanket.

Jack couldn't breathe as both relief and disappointment crash over him as he took in the jagged wound still oozing blood.

"You would have healed by now" Ianto whispered, closing his fingers over the gauze again and pressing it against his hand.

"Yeah" Jack said shakily, "I would have." He forced a fake grin, "you're fine... you're not like me."

"I'm sorry Jack" Ianto said, an odd expression crossing over his face.

"Don't be!" Jack said sharply. "I wouldn't force this kind of existence on my worst enemy let alone somebody that I love."

Ianto surged forward and kissed Jack, desperation making them hold onto each other tightly.

After a few moments of just simply sitting and resting their foreheads against one another's, Jack wrinkled his nose and shifted uncomfortably, "I need to get changed. Get Owen to bandage your hand."

"Yeah" Ianto whispered shakily.

Jack kissed Ianto's forehead and said, "I'll be right back."

Jack left the Autopsy Bay and Ianto exhaled loudly, his eyes squeezed shut and his fist tightly closed. Tears leaked from his eyes and he slowly opened his hand again. What he saw stole all of the breath from his body and his palm itched unbearably.

There was no blood. There was no wound. There was no scar.


End file.
